I seriously should be sleeping right now, but something is forcing me to stay up... and it's not because of my midterm tomorrow.

Though, in retrospect, I really should be studying for that right now. But it seems like everything is just kind of there. Information wise.

I want to reach out to people, but I think sometimes the hedgehog dilema kind of kills me even more so.

I make a good emo kid just about now.

Been a long time since I've done this, might as well give it a go for like ten minutes or so. Before I go to bed.

This just recently came up in my head, that lately I've been depending on myself far too often. But then again, I do this far too frequently within the time period of a whole year. Why though? I never seem to notice until I realize far too late and I ask, "God, why did this happen... oh wait, I know why."

Far too often do we try to take matters into our own hand. Though here's why I think so, from a human standpoint, we live out our lives. By that, I mean we're the ones who apparently interact in this world. Like for example, me typing on Xanga, helps my contribution in the world by supplying my thoughts on the interwebs for all the see (via facebook, rss feeds, or some other unknown technological device that I may have never heard of).

Which makes it so great because in the midst of the chaos, something big is behind all of this. It's just a really pity though, that it takes us as humans a much longer time to realize that anything is happening until it has happened.

Too bad though that this could seriously be remedied if we all just prayed and depended on God. I think it would be one of those things where having good faith will lead to something better. However, better doesn't always mean a positive outcome on our side... which I guess is another thing to learn, is when God isn't on your side in that case. Which I guess that's why I'm freaking out around this time.

I feel like I'm the economist trying to predict the economy. Exactly.

Not gonna lie, it's extremely frustrating when your computer goes haywire the day before an important class.

I'm going to go out and buy another external for the sole purpose of installing Time Machine... stupid piece of machine.

I'm not the most outspoken man in the universe... maybe. Okay, that's probably a lie. In most settings, I am fairly outgoing. However, in places where I am just totally out of my comfort zone, I completely hide in my shell. Hiding though, rarely occurs, especially in everyday life situations.

But today, I was completely out of my comfort zone again. Even though I've been to Campus Wide dozens of time (a congregation of collegiate fellowships whose sole purpose is to worship/pray together as a campus), I felt completely out of the loop. Listening to people hear all the things that they said, the promises, the encouragement, the fears, the frustration... it really put me into a bind. I remembered this; "Why am I exactly here in the first place? It seems as if I don't have these problems that some of these people speak of. No tears, no shame... I don't understand why."

Flash back to three days ago, I woke up and was completely oblivious to the time of the day (apparently I had gotten out of by at around 1PM). I grabbed my computer and went youtubing and somehow fell right into some Coldplay. Amazing band, no? But here's the strangest thing: I started crying. No reason, just teared up and bawled. They were those silent tears; the ones where your eyes well up and just overflow from holding them back.

What made it so that I broke down in bed? Was it the music? Was it the words? What... exactly.

Nothing really came to my head, but I realize after a few days and given a nudge or two about who I am. I am fairly certain that what I say about myself is accurate.

Yes, Coldplay in general brings a lot of people to tears, but the words "I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing/Roman Calvary choirs are singing/Be my mirror my sword and shield/My missionary in a foreign field/For some reason I can't explain/I know Saint Peter won't call my name..."

Saint Peter won't call my name?

I mean, be Catholic and all, but I see God in that phrase instead.

Lately I've been haunted by the fact of; "Am I really doing things for the will of God? Or is all this just for my own personal glory?"

Everything I did ministry-wise came to a complete halt and I decided not to touch it until I know for certain that I am doing this for the will of God. As soon as I said that, something felt terribly wrong. I lost motivation, emotion, passion, everything within me just kind of sucked away. Well, except for football. That will always stay.

It just doesn't make sense; keeping yourself away from what you are called to do. It seriously doesn't. Here's why I think that's so, if you know a portion of God's heart, and you know what is going on in your own heart. That desire shouldn't be yours: It has got to be a output of what God desires you to do... You can hold it in and keep the love back, until it bursts out everywhere and all over... then it just becomes a hot emotional mess.

But if you had let that go to begin with, you realize that the things you do in your life... will be completely the way that God wants it to be. Now, in regards to personal glory... there's always a time and place when you will be put to the test on whether or not you will succumb to your personal ambitions and motives. But isn't that the trials of life? Life wasn't meant to be that easy to live out. So why do you hesitate? You long for that drink... that thirst to be quenched by God's love. It is that solution to our problems. Never hesitate and move forward, because if you don't ever move. Living becomes surviving.

I want to live.

- If we never try, will we ever know?